After safely relocating his mother to her day spa home complete with white picket forcefield, Ensign Wesley Crusher decided to embrace his maternally-prescribed domestication process and vehemently pursue gourmet cooking as well as hydroponic gardening. He reprogrammed half of his nanites for weed-fighting and aphid-killing at the cellular level then proceeded to run database searches for past culinary geniuses. While the wily microbots were cultivating veggies and exterminating veggie vermin, Wesley programmed various holodeck simulations for participation in a variety of cooking classes with the aforementioned culinary geniuses. For the most part these lessons did not go as planned. He strangled Martha Stewart with her own doily after his third failed napkin-folding attempt. Data mistook the Iron Chef as an actual chef made of iron and challenged him to single combat at which point Data discovered there was no such literal thing as a chef made of iron. Data could not understand the chef’s chagrin aimed in his general quadrant when Data also mistook massive blood flow for overly-tenacious rust.
Ensign Crusher felt he would make great progress once he located Rachel Ray’s simple, flavorful, fattening brand of cooking but discovered otherwise when all of her recipes called for the deadly Electromagnetically Variant Oxygen Orbs. He thereby concluded that Ms. Ray was a wicked voodoo priestess intent upon obliterating the universe with her inimitable, hip-expanding old-world ways. To confirm his suspicions, the well-meaning Wesley consulted the literature-loving Captain Picard for any pertinent information on the subject. He left the good captain’s presence armed with a stack of Time-Interstellar Life’s “Ambassador Spock Narrates the Classics,” now formatted for your very own shipboard computer! The exhausted Ensign fell asleep to the soothing tones of the Ambassadors voice as he detailed exciting stories of old when there was still such a thing as money, toilet seats, and explosions that could be heard in the vacuum of space.
Upon waking suddenly, Wesley saw a plastic-hooded figure inspecting a set of holo-blueprints in the corner of his quarters. The Ensign leapt out of bed and immediately demanded to know precisely what this mechanically-asthmatic interloper was doing in his room.
“I’m inspecting the ring, the ring that will make me invincible!”
“That’s the exhaust port right below the main port.”
“It’s the Ring of Power, I tell you! I must protect it with my lightsaber!” The black figure produced a glowing stick from beneath his flowy cape and brandished it at the now-fleeing Ensign. Wesley reached into his pocket, grabbed the latest batch of reprogrammed nanites, and flung them at the lumbering bad guy who, Wesley now suspected, must really be Rachel Ray manifesting in her true evil form. In moments the robot assault ceased as Wesley cautiously approached his attacker. “The ring! Where is it? Don’t just stand there, mister, where’s my napkin ring? My presentation must be perfect!”
Thus ends the tale of how Ensign Wesley Crusher was able to learn and perfect his domestic skills all thanks to the assistance of Sauron disguised as Darth Vader channeling Rachel Ray, Priestess O’ Humanity’s Doom.
P.S. Wesley inadvertently fell asleep in the holodeck not realizing that the Ambassador’s narrated classics had accidentally been replaced by the Ambassador’s ANIMATED classics.
P.S.S. Dr. Beverly Crusher accidentally electrocuted herself on the white picket forcefield. Oh the humanity.
P.S.S.S. Dr. Beverly Crusher is now engaged to marry the man who treated her forcefield burns, Dr. Hugh Manatee.
And once again Wesley brings absurdity to the deep and dark world of space ... And knows how to dress for it, too :)
ReplyDeletePassing the time can be a dangerous thing should it take place in my brain :-)
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