Waking Up is Hard to Do

Life is getting better.  It is.

It is, it is, it is, it is, it is!

That’s my magical mystery mantra repeated repeatedly 24/7 in order to assist with convincing my heart and brain that life really is getting better.  And I’ll keep on repeating it too until life reflects my fervent wishes. 

It’s not like I expected a move back into civilization to vanquish most of the pre-existing issues with which I was daily dealing…or did I?  Maybe because the job miraculously appeared and the apartment came together affordably, I internally assumed other things would too.  But old problems are replaced by new ones, and still more of the old problems remain the same.  This is reality.  This is a reality for which my formative years did not prepare me.  A responsible adult who takes care of business morally and ethically is not supposed to have any major problems, and if they do, that established history of clean living will assure a speedy resolution to said problems. 

Umm, no.  I still don’t know how I’m going to afford a car payment next year, I’m TERRIFIED of student loan repayment unless a larger income presents itself, math classes are looming before me after an 19-year hiatus from the subject, and while I do love the private space of my apartment, it’s lonely…and not because I’m living in a bigger city as opposed to a town.  In a way, it was lonelier there simply because I’m very different and don’t match the smaller town/city template.  But there’s an absence of connections: real human connections that haven’t happened just yet.  And of course I’m still waiting for that one particular connection in the form of a truly amazing dude that just might decide that he loves me and wants to be with me.  JUST me.  Am approximately one disappointment away from giving up on that one entirely.

Before starting this blog, I firmly decided that I wouldn’t be one of those people who bemoans their existence for all of cyberspace to see/hear.  But upon realizing that only three or four people read any of these written ramblings consistently, I figured the firm decision to refrain from whining could still consider itself intact.

Life WILL get consistently better, and the gargantuan task of simply climbing out of bed every morning might eventually morph into joyously leaping forth and attacking the day.  Until then, waking up is hard to do.