I have a particular penchant for cliché, stereotypical, feel-good, follow-you-dreams movies. Part of me thinks this is the case because I want to believe that a better life and subsequent better world is possible. The rest of me thinks it’s because I enjoy self-inflicting sadistic torture upon my emotions and psyche.
So just why should the aforementioned follow-your-dreams-to-a-happy-ending-of-joy-and-fulfillment movies send my mind and emotions into an uncorrectable tailspin? It’s because they remind me of just how many terrific opportunities in my God-given life have been willingly and vigorously rejected…by me. Sure, I grew up in a town with very limited opportunities for a girl of my natural talents ‘n skills (singing and writing, specifically). There aren’t exactly vocal coaches on every corner down Buckholts-way. And forget about accelerated English and/or writing courses that might pave the way to additional learning and scholarship possibilities. Do you really think that Julliard or Northwestern would think twice—or even once—about entertaining the bizarre ‘n crazy notion of admitting a high school graduate from Nowheresville, USA with zero vocal training or accelerated writing projects? Not on the likely.
For years those were the excuses I conveniently applied to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault I hadn’t even come CLOSE to achieving my grandest dreams. Those excuses are, in fact, applicable…but only to a certain extent. Once I graduated high school and hit junior college, I had the amazing opportunity to expand my vocal talents and range via weekly voice lessons and choir participation. I consider these to be some of the most valuable hours of my life. After completing two years and pondering where my college career would go next, I was given the chance to audition for a darn good music department in Georgetown, TX. They loved me. They wanted me. They gave me scholarship money.
I chickened out. I was too friggin’ afraid to leave safe, comfortable home and pursue what could’ve amounted to the fulfillment of everything I’d ever wanted to be and do with my life. I could’ve been “somebody” doing “something” by now instead of sitting chained to a secretarial job. I could’ve been LIVING instead of just paying the bills. It wasn’t my family’s fault, it wasn’t the public school system’s fault, it was MY fault all the way. Fear is an unforgiving, uncooperative bitch, and I’m ashamed to admit that I succumbed completely to it.
Since that time so frighteningly many years ago, I’ve grown up and ditched the fear that I allowed to hold me back. But now? Now it’s too late for me to pursue any sort of professional vocal career. At 36, I’m an old woman in the eyes of a performance industry seeking ever younger talent to grace their varied stages. I’m almost finished with a Bachelor of English degree which should hopefully allow me to explore my other favoritest of things: writing (and correcting everybody’s grammar LOL). Writing and editing are achievable dreams at any age, so these I will wholeheartedly pursue. This path is an acceptable substitute.
But I’ll forever regret the dreams I irrevocably lost due to my casual, comfortable embracing of a debilitating cowardice. Following your dreams only makes a difference if you tenaciously follow them through to completion.
Dream-following is not a spectator sport :-)
OK, first off, you are not too old. What about Susan Boyle? And second, if you say "well I won't do x because I'll be oh-let's-say 40 by the time I finish" I wonder how old you will be by then if you don't do x???
ReplyDeleteYou sound like me when I made the jump to pharma at age not-quite 48. I was terrified, and I may not love it or have a spectacular public career like singing or publishing a book, but I'm glad I'm not still sitting at a desk at SWHP trying to figure out why that drug won't run through the pharmacy system!
Susan Boyle was a VERY special case...right place, right time. I sing/perform as often as I can and absolutely won't be stopping in the next several decades :-) And who knows what might happen on that front with regard to newly-opening doors? All I meant was that it's not overly likely that I'd be able to hit the Metropolitan Opera stage...especially considering it would require a second Bachelor's (and probably a Master's degree) in order to do so. Am already in incredible debt from pursuing my Bachelor of English :-)
ReplyDeleteBrainwork and stagework have very different shelf lives...which is why American Idol's cut-off age is 30 :-)
I think you might be a bit hard on yourself -- we all do what we do as the person we are at whatever point in time. Looking back can be helpful and bring insight, and cheers for you that you do that. I expect I'll always be doing such, along with, of course, looking at the now and to future possibilities.
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