Buckholts Unexplained Researching the Paranormal Episode 1: Full Transcript

Lead Investigator, Amanda: Misty shadows crossing the train tracks at midnight…mysterious lights flickering in the old cotton gin when everybody knows it’s wheat-harvesting time…crop circles made with freshly-baled hay…two horses in town as opposed to just the one…a local crack dealer afraid to pawn his dubious wares after dark…what a minute, who wrote this intro?

Investigator-in-Training, Austin: I did…and Rubix Cube helped.

Investigator-in-Training, Rubix: *waves at the camera with a newly-opened can of beer*

Amanda: Rubix Cube?  Seriously?  Sounds like a quintessential 80s rap star…for nerds!  No.  Lose the “Cube.” 

Austin: *smacks Rubix with a beer fresh from the cooler then pops it open* Yeah, not to impugn your intelligence, but how would you ever think outside the box if you worked inside a cube? *laughs uproariously*

Rubix: Betcha can’t spell that.

Austin:  What?

Rubix: “Impugn.”

Austin: Shut up.

Rubix: Anyway, that name was your idea.  Madame Lead Investigator Lady, I am pleased to announce that MY contribution to this online video series thingy…

Austin: Besides the beer!

Rubix: …besides the beer is the actual name of our investigative group *salutes with his beer hand slinging Bud Light on Austin*

Amanda: Wait, it’s here on the script somewhere, I think…what did you write this thing on anyway?

Austin: Old Cotton Festival cookbook. 

Rubix: That was rude.

Austin: I asked Grandma first!  Besides, it’s only one of them.  Next time we’ll just use empty Budweiser boxes.

Rubix: Your recycling dollars at work! *toasts his beer with Austin’s* Hey, we emptied this box already, didn’t we?

Austin: Hells yeah! *another toast*

Amanda: You can imagine my lack of surprise *continues looking through the script for their official group name*.  Anyway, I’ve got to know what to put on our t-shirts…oh, that’s cool: Buckholts Unexplained Researching the Paranormal, otherwise known as…B.U.R.P.??? 

*Austin and Rubix salute Amanda with two fresh beers, huge grins on their faces*

Austin: AND we have the t-shirts right here! *reaches for a plastic HEB bag inside the cooler, removes a shirt, and holds it up for her to see*

Rubix: Yeah, the kids did the lettering with stencils and Crayola markers!

Amanda: *speechlessly aghast*

Rubix: Don’t worry, they weren’t the washable kind.

Amanda: *sighs* Fine, they’ll do for the moment.  Now let’s get started.  You’re not going to investigate with beer in hand, are you? 

Austin: Why not?  The ghosts won’t be offended.

Rubix: What if they’re Baptist ghosts? *more uproarious laughter betwixt the two guys…giggles also heard from the camera person*

Amanda: Fine, keep the beers!  I don’t friggin’ care as long as we can just…get…started!  Are we ready to record then?  *the sound of a pistol cocking is heard* You’ve got to be kidding me.  Austin?  If there ARE any ghosts, I think they’re already kinda dead!

Austin: Oh, I wasn’t going to kill them…just might need to wound them a bit.

Amanda: I’m more afraid of you than I am of them.

Rubix: Hey, that’s what my mama always said!  No wait…she was talking about the clowns being more afraid of me than I was of…never mind.

Amanda: Okay, ready on camera?  Great.  Three, two, one, and action!  Here we are in scenic downtown Buckholts, TX at the local SPJST Hall.  For those of you who don’t know what an SPJST Hall is, I can’t explain it because the letters stand for Czech words that I couldn’t pronounce even if I DID know what they were.  Suffice it to say, this was once the local hot spot for dances, dinners, and all manner of gatherings in general.  After the original hall was burned down in 1934 by bank robbers attempting to distract the town’s population from their nefarious activities, big musical names of yesteryear including Bob Wills and Ernest Tubb performed in this replacement hall.  Recently our office has received reports of strange sounds and conversations coming from inside the structure while no one was there.  Flickering lights have been seen from inside the building, possibly a result of residual energy left from the fire set so long ago. 

SPJST HALL, BUCKHOLTS, TX

Austin: *in his best Vincent Price voice* It was a dark and stormy night…!”

Amanda: *gives Austin a dirty look then continues* Could the restless, creative souls of bygone days still be entertaining ghostly crowds from inside this Hall of Hedonism…Hedonism?? 

Rubix: Austin was playing with the thesaurus again.  You know, you really should read the instructions before operating heavy vocabulary.

Austin: I used it appropriately…thank you very much! *cocks the pistol* 

Amanda: And put that damn pistol away!  We’re going inside now to…ssshhh!

Austin: You were the one talking.

Amanda: *whispers* I know!  But ssshhh!  I swear I just heard voices whispering in there.

Rubix: I did too!  And look up there! *orangeish light flickers from a window*  Let’s get inside and see!  Is there enough battery power left on the camera? *camera nods an affirmative*

Amanda: Okay, stay calm.  Austin, go first…camera person, go behind him *camera person makes a remark in the Charlie Brown teacher voice*  We’ll follow. 

Austin: Gotcha *reaches once again for his pistol and cocks it* Here I go…turning the knob…NOW! *door opens to the flickering lights* Umm…I think we now know where the crack dealer pawns his dubious wares after dark.

Rubix: Y’all run!  *sound of rapidly retreating footsteps are heard as the camera crashes to the ground*

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN B.U.R.P. HOLDS ITS FIRST FUND-RAISING BAKE SALE TO PAY FOR AUSTIN’S BAIL…WE APPARENTLY INTERRUPTED A STAKE-OUT, AND SINCE AUSTIN WAS CARRYING CONCEALED…YEAH.

ALSO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT WHAT “SPJST” MEANS IN CZECH AND ENGLISH…BECAUSE WE’RE JUST MULTI-CULTURAL THAT WAY!