They're coming to confiscate my soul!!

“Let me begin by saying, I have never had a childhood traumatic avian experience. It’s just as simple as me hating birds with a fiery and very scary passion. Birds are all, “Caw! Look at me! I’m giving you the death stare right now and no matter which direction I turn my head it still looks like my satanic beady little eyes are burning a hole through your skull.”—Andra Simpson

“And what’s with all the incontinence? Can’t they find a nice tree or bush to crap under? NOOOOOOO they have to be all, “Oh, I’m too busy soaring here to take a time-out. I’m just going to let it rip right on your windshield on the most blistering hot day of the year so it ferments and you have to scrape it off with a switchblade all while cursing our names.” –Andra Simpson

“Dove hunting season? More like CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAY! When I go to my grandmother’s house, who just happens to have a useless pet parakeet or some crap, I pray to the sweet Lord up above that she’s got a blanket over it so it stays quiet. One TWEET and it’s like falling on top of a cactus and writhing in pain and agony. I literally sit there and think about how I could slip some rice into its food bowl. In fact, I would beg guests at my wedding to throw the rice! Please! Get boxes of it and offer it up to the little flying freaks. There is just nothing comforting about a bird unless it’s popping in and out of my cuckoo clock at midnight! And even then that’s pushing it. Why do you think we fry these jerks up and eat them?? BECAUSE THE WORLD DOESN”T NEED THEM! God should have made clouds solid so they could just fly up there and live instead of infesting our space!”—yes, Andra Simpson

My sister and my best friend have one fiercely glaring factor in common: they believe that all birds are the avian antichrist hell-bent on claiming our souls.  The above series of quotations from a particularly vehement bird-hating rant by my sister perfectly communicates this belief.  It doesn’t matter if you believe in devil-birds or not…they believe in you *cue wicked tweet track*.  You may think you’re watching a friendly flock of happily flapping birdies benignly flying south for the winter, but what you’re REALLY seeing is a covert squadron of black death navigating a flight path to mortal destruction!!

You and I see this:

Andra and Rebecca see this:

Today I had to make a quick grocery shopping stop on my way into work and, upon returning to my car, there was a scraggly black grackle (aka starling) perched on the roof staring intently at me.  I could just imagine it stopping Rebecca in her tracks and inspiring her to call in sick today :-).  She practically has to hold your hand and walk blindfolded throught he Wal-Mart parking lot anytime she's there because said parking lot always seems to be THE squatting ground for every grackle/starling in the county.  My present workplace (a hospital) has a massive series of parking lots that also harbor the feathered fiends, only it's the Devil Squadrons of Death that congregate daily for their morning tactical briefings. 


Andra is training to be a nurse.  She will be working here where I work very soon.  Don't be surprised if you see her carrying a semi-automatic along with her stethoscope.


Tune in next time when Rebecca and I present our original clothing line: the Avian Death Collection, arriving Fall 2011 (appropriate firearms sold separately).  Look for it at an Academy outlet near you!  And TSC.  And ProBass Shops.  Kentucky Fried Chicken?